Becky’s story - a solo motherhood journey

Part two of our exploration of solo mums by choice features Becky's breastfeeding journey with her two-year-old son, Struan. Becky shares her experience with day weaning, initially influenced by societal pressures to stop breastfeeding to improve sleep, but ultimately finding a balance that works for her and Struan. The conversation also delves into Becky’s considerations for having a second child through IVF, her decision-making process around solo motherhood, and her support network. 

You can follow Becky on Instagram at @‌rracquah85

My new picture book on how breastfeeding journeys end, The Story of Jessie’s Milkies, is available from Amazon here -  The Story of Jessie's Milkies. In the UK, you can also buy it from The Children’s Bookshop in Muswell Hill, London. Other book shops and libraries can source a copy from Ingram Spark publishing.

You can also get 10% off my books on supporting breastfeeding beyond six months and supporting the transition from breastfeeding at the Jessica Kingsley press website, that's uk.jkp.com using the code MMPE10 at checkout.

Follow me on Instagram  @emmapickettibclc or find out more on my website www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com 

This podcast is presented by Emma Pickett IBCLC, and produced by Emily Crosby Media.

Transcript

This transcript is AI generated.

[00:00:00] Emma Pickett: I am Emma Pickett, and I'm a lactation consultant from London. When I first started calling myself makes milk. That was my superpower at the time because I was breastfeeding my own two children, and now I'm helping families on their journey. I want your feeding journey to work for you from the very beginning to the very end.

And I'm big on making sure parents get support at the end too. Join me for conversations on how breastfeeding is amazing and also sometimes really, really hard. We'll look honestly and openly at that process of making milk, and of course, breastfeeding and chest feeding are a lot more than just making milk.

Thank you very much for joining me for today's episode. This is actually the second episode going out today. We've got a bit of a special week because, um, I wanted to do a focus on solo motherhood and I spoke to three amazing women, and we've decided to break those conversations into two different episodes.

So episode one is me talking to Jenny and Kat, and this is now episode two. Talking to Becky. Not that Becky didn't want to be in a room with Jenny and Kat, it's just the, the way schedules work out. And actually we decided that maybe three people in one conversation was a bit intense, so Becky's getting her special one-on-one time.

Um, so Becky lives in the Highlands with her lovely son, Struan. And I first met Becky because actually she was a member of one of my weaning support groups. So I've just started my group for September last week, and Becky was a member of my group from May and May, June. The way the groups work is we meet online with Zoom and also we have a WhatsApp group that goes alongside it as well.

And it's not necessarily that people join the group because they want to wean 100%. Um, sometimes people join the group because they're thinking about whether they do want to wean or they want to night wean, or partially wean. Um, so it's just a way to bring people together to get that, that peer support, um, during that weaning journey.

And often lots of people have stayed in touch over the years and, and lots of the WhatsApp groups are still very active. Um, but anyway, that's where, how I knew Becky. So we might refer to the groups, we might talk about that a little bit and you might be wondering what we're on about. So that, um, that's what what we're talking about.

So, hello, Becky. Hello. Thank you for joining me today. Hello. So, so we, as I said, we first started talking back in May, June of 2025, and it's now pretty much the autumn of 2025. Tell us about Struan's breastfeeding patterns right now. How old is he? What does the day look like right now? 

[00:02:33] Becky: I just turned two in the end of July, so he's, he's literally two.

Having joined the weaning course tonight, wean him. He is still very much feeding overnight. But actually the course, uh, as much as anything taught me that I didn't actually really want to wean him, my issue was that I wanted more sleep and we are getting more sleep. So, um. Things are going a bit better.

But yeah, he feeds at bedtime and he feeds if he wakes up in the night and he has a long feed in the morning. 

[00:03:01] Emma Pickett: Okay. 

[00:03:01] Becky: And that's where we're at the moment. 

[00:03:03] Emma Pickett: Okay. That's, I think, I really appreciate you sharing that. So some people listen to that and think, okay, so those groups are a fat lot of good if people don't end up weaning, but, but actually I've had an entire group where nobody weaned because actually just, it was a group which focused on pregnancy and tandem feeding, and everybody decided that they wanted to.

Town and feed at the end. And, and it worked out really positively for those people. So I think the most important thing about the group is that people are able to reflect and, and think about what they really, really, really want. And they've got the space to do that. So tell us a little, I know we're sort of starting at the end here, but I think that's a nice way to start.

So you join the group thinking I need tonight we, I need to night ween 'cause I can't get enough sleep and this is, must be the only way of doing it. Can you tell us a little bit more about how you went through that kind of decision making process? How did you realize what, what you really wanted to do?

[00:03:51] Becky: Um, that's a good question. I think since about November, I just just got it into my head that the problem was breastfeeding and I think actually society or people had told me that once I stopped breastfeeding, he would sleep better. So I think I'd just started to have this negative association with breastfeeding because it was why I was so tired.

Um, and I think some of the teaching that you give that maybe ne he wouldn't necessarily be waking up as frequently, but he might still, even once I've weaned him, taught me that maybe that wasn't the be all and end all night weaning. And actually it was just probably the process of I, 'cause I joined the group really thinking that I was gonna have an end date.

Um, so there was kind of pressure on it. And as I started thinking about that end date, I was like, actually, I'm not sure why I'm doing this and it's not right. And then. Around the same time he dropped his nap and he started sleeping. 

[00:04:44] Emma Pickett: Okay. Okay. So that's really interesting. So that you think the, the nap was causing less sleep pressure at night and causing more night nor more night wakings.

Yeah. 

[00:04:53] Becky: Um, and he still wakes up more than a lot of babysit age. He wakes up. Probably, well, he, he wakes his first wake is about two, and then after that he wakes several times. But I'm getting sleep from bedtime until 2:00 AM which is okay. A whole lot better than I was before. So, and I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying feeding him.

[00:05:12] Emma Pickett: Oh, that's nice to, he, he enjoys it 

[00:05:13] Becky: and yeah, I think we'll keep going 

[00:05:17] Emma Pickett: for hour. Yeah, I mean, that night, that block bedtime until 2:00 AM that's a pretty decent block, assuming bedtime's not midnight, um, you know that that's, that's a pretty decent block and that can be enough for people to be able to function and then.

And then after that, I'm guessing he's doing the typical lovely 2-year-old breastfeeding thing of grazing a little bit and, and feeding and going back to sleep for a bit and wanting to feed and go back to sleep. Yeah. Are you able to sleep as well? I'm guessing you're co-sleeping? 

[00:05:42] Becky: Well, he actually sleeps in his own bed until the first night, the first week.

And then he's definitely in with me. And yeah, he does a bit of grazing. Some nights better than others. Sometimes we still get a couple of hour blocks. Um, but I can, overall, I just feel like I'm getting enough sleep. Okay. And I can cope. 

[00:05:57] Emma Pickett: Good. Yeah. I mean that, that partial co-sleeping is a technique that I think help can help a lot of people at this stage.

I'm not advocating that it's right for everybody, but, but some, some people will find, they'll get that first block undisturbed, and that means they have a deeper quality of sleep and then you reunite partway through the night. That's often a good, a good plan if you are, if you're coming to the end of your co-sleeping journey.

Is that something, how, how long has he been starting the night in a different bed? 

[00:06:23] Becky: Probably around the same ti In fact, I think, I think I did it. When I was doing the course, I'm not sure it was something you suggested, but it, it. Just kind of everything was happening at the same time. So yeah, I introduced him to his own bed.

He loves his own bed. He loves going to bed in his own bed, and it's quite special in there. But yeah, he's obviously very happy to come into Mama's bed when it's time to 

[00:06:43] Emma Pickett: wake up. And you say two o'clock, I mean, is it literally two o'clock on the bottom? No, it's, it's very, 

[00:06:48] Becky: it can be earlier than that. It can occasionally be o'clock.

Ooh. So I don't like to say that in case 

[00:06:54] Emma Pickett: you've changed it and it'll never happen again. Yeah. Okay. But 

[00:06:58] Becky: no, it's variable. It's not always two o'clock on the dot. Just around. And actually I often don't look at the clock anymore 'cause 

[00:07:04] Emma Pickett: just, yeah, I'm a big fan of not looking at the clock. I, I, I really think that when we start to look at the clock, and, well, first of all, for many of us looking at the clock means switching on a phone and getting that light.

That doesn't necessarily help us. But I actually just think mentally it doesn't really give, have a value. Um. And I don't often talk about my own personal experiences, but with my first child, I was obsessed with writing down the times of wake up. And I'd wake up to these, this little piece of paper with kind of like little pencils, etchings of all the times that he'd woken up.

And with my second child, I said, Nope, not looking at all at the clock. And it made such a difference to my mental health around sleep. Yeah. And it was absolutely transformative. So tell us about how you're getting him down for bed. What, what your bedtime routine is at the moment. 

[00:07:49] Becky: I've always said I'm quite lucky with bedtime.

My child likes going to bed and I've always, I have always wondered whether the breastfeeding is part of that 'cause he doesn't feed during the day. But since he was a little baby, he's always liked bedtime, so he's generally doesn't need that much persuasion to go to bed. But we generally do books downstairs.

He doesn't have a bath every night, but if he's having a bath, he will come up and have a bath. And then, um, if he's really not that tired, he might ask for another book in bed. Then we feed. And at the moment I am actually feeding him to sleep because he's quite tired now 'cause he doesn't nap during the day.

Yeah. But there was a time when he was napping during the day where I would feed him in bed, but he normally wouldn't feed to sleep on the breast and then he would actually go to sleep without feeding either with me, with him or at times I was leaving him to go sleep on his own. Um, I think that was a period when he was probably didn't have a very high sleep pressure and he.

Bedtimes were a bit tricky. He would, although he wanted to be in bed, he just wouldn't fall asleep. So I, I, at some point I decided to, I would start leaving him and he was very happy to, to just lie in bed and potter and then he would go to sleep himself. But at the moment he generally falls asleep. 

[00:08:59] Emma Pickett: Okay.

So you're lying, you're lying in his bed with him. Yeah. Feeding, feeding, lying down. Yeah, he's falling asleep. You are detaching kind of and leaving the room. And actually that's a really nice demonstration of how not everyone has to do everything in the same way. I mean, sometimes I do say if a child is waking very frequently through the night, um, you know, and that first wake up is kind of 9:00 PM 9 30 10, and at 10:00 PM maybe changing the feed to sleep association can help that because they're transfer, you know, they're needing help with transferring between every sleep cycle or transitioning between every sleep cycle.

But actually, you've just described how Struan is able to do. That big block, even though he's fallen asleep on the breast. Yeah, first thing at night. So his sleep is improving despite the fact he's actually gone back to falling asleep on the breast. So it's not the true that it's every, it's the same for everybody, and it works in the same way for everybody.

You mentioned that he doesn't feed in the day. Tell us about how you got to that, that point. Is that simply just because you're working, you fell outta the habit? Or was that something you consciously tried to do? 

[00:10:00] Becky: So it was when he was just about a year old. Um, he'd been going to nursery since 11 months and he was going through a phase where he was, and it was probably to be fair that he was feeling the separation, but he was really going through a phase of just wanting to be on me all the time.

And I was struggling to be honest with how much he physically had to be touching me and feeding. And his manners were not very good around breastfeeding. Um, and. Yeah, I just thought something had, something had to change. So because he was in nursery four days a week, I decided to day to day wean him. Um, and actually it only took a few days off nursery days.

I just had to get through the evening part without feeding him. Um, and yeah, before the weekend even came, he was happy not to feed during the day. 

[00:10:48] Emma Pickett: Okay. So at that age, I guess he was only just a year or so. He was a year, yeah. You obviously can't talk to him about the changes. You can't explain, so, so were you just simply offering other things?

Were you just being a bit more on it with snacks? What? What Do you remember what you were doing? 

[00:11:01] Becky: The hours between him coming home from nursery and bedtime. I was being so super attentive to him. Like I just knew that I couldn't do anything else apart from be with him and play with him. So we were doing lots of playing, lots of cuddling, lots of books.

There was no part where I was like distracted by any housework or chores. I was just physically with him for those few hours knowing that he really needed the attention and attachment, I suppose. But I don't, I didn't, definitely didn't have any books at that point. I've now got books, um. And I don't think I did much talking about it.

[00:11:38] Emma Pickett: I mean, at that age, if they're, yeah, if they're really 12, 30 months, there's not really a lot you can say. So I mean, I know a lot of my resources focus on how we communicate with children around weaning and, and you know, obviously I wrote a weaning book and there are weaning books out there as well, but that's not relevant for.

Someone who's 13 months old unnecessarily. And, and actually if you try and read a book that it just can be confusing and and dysregulating for them. So I, I love your description of just really being on it with him and realizing that that breastfeeding request was coming from a place of wanting connection.

And, and that's so commonly the case. People go off and make dinner, they go off and do housework, and then they're surprised that their child's toddling in and asking for a breastfeed and they're just simply saying, I want you, I need you. Yeah. This is what I want. Um, I'm actually a bit hungry too, but I, I just want to connect with you.

Um, and if you are right there, actively playing and, and play is such a great substitute for breastfeed. Um, um, you know, attachment play and connecting play is just so important. So sounds like you did a beautiful job of really listening to where his requests are coming from and filling that gap. And I'm not even having to say no because the request wasn't even coming because his need was already met.

On a very practical sense, as a, as a solo mom, how are you making dinner? I mean, if in those, were you having to kind of prepare it earlier in the day? 

[00:12:56] Becky: Yeah, I was gonna say it's not, it's quite a stressful time of the day, isn't it? 'cause you're getting home from work, you're getting home from nursery.

Everyone's got needs. There's lots to do. It's bedtime. But for those days, and actually generally what I normally do, I cook in the evening when he is in bed for the next day. So I, even now, although I do have some very easy dinners, we do now, but most of the time I'm preparing food the night before or I try and batch cook a bit because I, yeah, I, even now, I try and have those hours in the evening for him before bedtime.

So I don't like to spend them doing a lot of things that. Exclude him. So yeah, I, I think that week, everything would've been done the night before, so there was, all I had to do was heat up some food. 

[00:13:38] Emma Pickett: Okay. That's very handy. And then I'm thinking about the weekends when you are not working or the, the three days when you're not working.

You obviously during those week working days, you had reduced the breastfeeding and, and just got to that, just having that bedtime feed. When you were with him, I'm guessing you were still feeding for a nap, um, when you were with him? Yes. 

[00:13:57] Becky: And actually, uh, yeah. So although I say I don't feed him during the day, if he has a nap now at home, he would still get a feed.

Okay. Um, but I mean, he doesn't really nap now, but over the year for his weekend nap, he might have been fed. So it was always just in bed. Like I would just feed him in bed. Um, but those first couple of weeks when I was day weaning him, I pretty much made sure that we were just really busy, so we probably wouldn't be in the house.

So we'd been out and about an actual fact, I think at the beginning I was trying to not feed him for naps either, so I was probably napping him in the buggy. 

[00:14:30] Emma Pickett: Okay. Just trying to really break that connection. Yeah. But at 

[00:14:32] Becky: some point I was like, oh, I don't mind feeding him for a nap, as long as it's not just constant during the day.

[00:14:38] Emma Pickett: Yeah. And as long as you haven't got a clever little person who says at 9:45 AM it's nap time, mummy, let's go and have a nap. Um, so the methods that you've described are really useful for people to hear, I think because we don't often talk about. Weaning younger children and, and, you know, weaning children as young as sort of 13, 14 months.

So I think it's really helpful to hear how with younger children, sometimes distraction is appropriate. It is the right way to go because it means that, you know, they're happy and they're focused and they're regulated. With a 3-year-old. I don't recommend distraction as the method. 'cause I think you are, you are avoiding a conversation and they sense that you are avoiding a conversation.

I think we do have to be more kind of open with our dialogue and our communication and talk about why breastfeeding are being reduced and be more explicit but not relevant for stru and age to, you know, 13 months or whatever it was that you were doing your doing your day weaning. So from the time that you day weaned until now, what about if he falls over?

What about if he's not well? Have there been times when you've gone back and regressed and fed more in the day? 

[00:15:40] Becky: No. There was one occasion where I, and it was quite a long time after I weaned him, so I would say this was probably four or five months ago, I, he fell in the playground and really hurt himself.

And I, I was quite worried about him and I thought, oh, this, this might be a time, and actually it. Really confused him. 'cause by that stage he was like, what, what are you doing? Getting your boob out in the park? Um, but no, before that I'd never, I'd never done it, used it for regulation. 

[00:16:09] Emma Pickett: Okay. Okay. And he's not had any kind of horrible bugs or anything where he's just been floppy in the day and you've needed to get stuff into him?

[00:16:16] Becky: Uh, there was a time when we both had flu. In about April this year, and we did both spend about two days in bed. So I presume, I can't really remember, presume, maybe you're breastfed, who knows? I was, so I myself, but again, it would've only been an association with being in our bed. Okay. Okay. That's helpful.

I've never, aside from that, when I day weaned, I've never fed him outside of bed. Okay. 

[00:16:38] Emma Pickett: Okay. So what do you think the future's gonna bring? I mean, you're, at the moment, you're a place where it's working and it, and it's, and you're feeling positively. You touched on before that other people's opinions were maybe affecting you, you know, with your feelings around weaning.

Is that, is that still a factor? I don't need you to kind of drop anybody in it, but is there anyone who's still, who's talking to you about the fact you're still feeding? 

[00:17:02] Becky: No, not really. 'cause I think, well, for me, most of the comments were coming around sleep. And I think if you're asking people for advice or even not asking people for advice, but telling them about how difficult life is, 'cause you're getting only an hour's sleep at a time.

It was just coming up again and again that I had to wean him. But actually, you know, I'm feeling quite good about sleep, so it's generally not something I talk about. Um, I don't feel the need to complain about sleep anymore. Okay. Um, so no, I haven't, uh, to be honest, I expect there's a lot of people in my life that don't know I'm still feeding.

Mm-hmm. Not that I'm hiding it, but if it, they don't witness it and it hasn't come up in conversation, then they might just think that, they might presume that I've weaned him. Yeah. So the future, um, every so often I think, oh, maybe he's kind of weaning himself 'cause he'll have very short feed. Yeah, so every, so I, I think you'll probably self wean the site complication to that is that I am considering having another baby.

Mm-hmm. Um, and if I do, the clinic, uh, asks you to stop breastfeeding before you start IVF again. I need to do some research into it because I do know people who just don't mention to the clinic that they're still breastfeeding, um, which is the way I might go, but obviously I would need to be sure that that was safe from a drug perspective for him.

[00:18:14] Emma Pickett: Yeah, there's a really good, um, Facebook group. Have you come across it? Heard that I've not actually talked. Yeah. Breastfeeding during IVF is, um, such a valuable resource. There's a website that goes along with it as well, and, and the, the group is so, so helpful. I lo I know literally dozens of people that have, have had life changing experiences being in that 

[00:18:33] Becky: group.

Okay. So I probably need to do some reading there, but that, um, so that would be the only thing. And obviously if my milk supply changes during IVF or when I'm pregnant, then that might be the end. But I, yeah, I kind of hope he'll self wean. But I don't know when that'll be. 

[00:18:49] Emma Pickett: Yeah, well anytime. Who knows when it feels right for you?

I'm sure you'll make the decision. Yeah. So some, obviously some children do self wean during pregnancy. Um, but they may have anyway, uh, who knows? Um, sometimes it's in response to milk changing, but sometimes not. Tell me a little bit more about your decision to have another child. How, how far along are you with that?

Is it the breastfeeding that's holding you back right now, or what else is a consideration? 

[00:19:14] Becky: Um, no, but the breastfeeding certainly not holding me back. The decision itself is just very difficult. I have, I feel like my life is perfect with a little boy who I've always wanted. It's very hard to change something that's perfect.

I don't know how people make this decision. I do think as a solo mom, I think we put a lot more thought into decision making around second children, partly because we actually have to go to the clinic and do the IVF and you know, we can't just leave it up to fate till we, we will try and see if it happens.

There's also a lot of money involved and I think I certainly feel a lot of pressure to make sure that I know I can do it because I've chosen to do this alone. I have to make sure I can do it alone. I suspect a lot of my friends and couples don't put that much thought into the decision making and they kind of just do it.

But I could be wrong. 

[00:20:07] Emma Pickett: I don't think you're wrong, Becky. I don't think you're wrong. I think you're right. People do leave it up to, I mean, obviously the people have to make considerations around finances and, and all sorts of things, and there are people who take, put a lot of thought into it, but there are also a lot of people that just see what happens.

Um, yeah, and, and don't put the same amount of thought into it. Can I ask you a really technical question and you can tell me to get stuffed if this is too personal. Why IVF rather than, you know, insemination. What, what's the decision around that? 

[00:20:34] Becky: Well, so actually when I say IVF, I actually don't need to do the whole IVF again 'cause I already have embryos banked.

So I actually have eight little frosties in the freezer, so I only have to implant one. Um, so I'm very lucky in that I don't have to do the whole egg retrieval thing again. 'cause that's the brutal part. 

[00:20:50] Emma Pickett: And so, so drugs will be different and that the drugs will be 

[00:20:53] Becky: different. And I think it's possible I might even be able to do it without drugs.

I think you can do a natural frozen embryo transfer, so that might be an option. But yeah, the fact that I've got eight little embryos also that I'm very attached to is part of the decision. Like I don't know what I would, I mean, I definitely can't have eight more babies, but the fact that they're just waiting there.

I feel like I have to use them or I'll use another one. 

[00:21:19] Emma Pickett: When you're making the decision, do they, um, this, this shows my ignorance here. They, they look at all the embryos and you decide. Presumably they've got information about the ancient embryo and they're ranking them in terms of quality, et cetera.

Yeah. Um, I dunno if that's a good word to use, or if that isn't a good word to use. No. Yeah. They're, they're rank can you make, and then do you make a decision based on what they're telling you about each embryo, or do they randomly select one? Presumably you can't choose gender. That wouldn't be considered.

You definitely can't use 

[00:21:46] Becky: gender. They don't know the gen, I mean, there is a test they could do to find out the gender, which, uh, but obviously they don't do that. The first time round, I just left it to the clinic to decide, and I think they just chose the best one. I think they would just choose the best one.

Again, I know if you've got kind of poor quality embryos, um, and they are deciding whether to freeze them or not, sometimes people take decision making as to whether to have them implanted instead of freezing them, just to give them a chance. But no, I would leave it up to the clinic. They can choose the next one.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

[00:22:18] Emma Pickett: And coming back to. Flying back in two years of time and thinking about when you first got pregnant was Struan. Tell us a bit more about your decision to become a, a solo mom and how you came about that process and, and we've heard it from Jenny and Kat's perspective, but I'd love to hear your story.

How did you first make that decision? 

[00:22:37] Becky: So, I got naively married when I was 21, um, and spent my twenties just presuming I was gonna have kids. But I hadn't really put any thought into what that meant or whether I actually wanted to be a mom. It was just a, that would be what happened. And then, um, sadly, that relationship ended before my thirties, and then I spent a few years thinking, gosh, I was nearly a mom and I don't think I actually wanted to be a mom.

I, I don't know if that was a reaction to separating or I just, that was my first thoughts about what do I actually want to be a mother? And then at the age of 34, I started kind of dating and I started looking for someone. And within a kind of year or so, I very much realized I wasn't actually looking for a partner.

I was looking for someone to have a baby with. And that's when I started processing the fact that, no, I really want to be a mom. And once I had decided that what I wanted was to be a mom rather than necessarily to be in a relationship, then it. Actually, it all kind of just became clear to me that I could just be a mom and I gave it another couple of years to see if I met someone and I didn't.

And then I actually started going down the adoption route, which in the end wasn't right for me and then decided to do IVF. 

[00:23:47] Emma Pickett: Yeah. Wow. What Self-awareness. I'm so impressed that I think there are a lot of people that are dating because they want to be moms. Yes. And I think it's really great that you had that awareness that that was what was going on for you.

Did you have, I mean, I, again, tell me if this is too personal, but obviously finances must be quite a big thing. Did, did you have to sort of sit down and calculate how long can my maternity leave be? What's gonna be, what's life going to be like? Are you a financey person anyway, and someone who's quite organized?

How did you find that process? 

[00:24:16] Becky: I've definitely not organized or financey, um, the A DHD brain, and I'm awful with finances. Um, but I am very lucky in that I've got a reasonably well paid job. Um, and I do think that it's a huge privilege to be able to do what I've done. And there are people out there who can't afford to do what I've done and they will turn often then to cheaper ways of doing this, which is over like Facebook groups, um, with known donors, which.

Can be very successful and actually can be very positive for a donor conceived child. But clearly there's risks involved with potentially getting sperm from a stranger on the internet. So I do feel a huge amount of privilege to be able to have done what I've done. 

[00:24:58] Emma Pickett: Yeah. So you've obviously been able to afford going straight to private IVF.

You're not entitled to any NHS at IVF because you know, you're infertile and inver commas. 

[00:25:07] Becky: Yeah, they call it, uh, social infertility. Social infertility. That's an interesting phrase. I hate that phrase. But, um, yeah, so I think there are some health boards now which are giving solar moms by choice free fertility treatment.

And if you have a known fertility problem, despite being a solo mom, you can get fertility treatment on the NHS, but most of us don't know we've got fertility problem until you start trying. So, no, I didn't qualify. 

[00:25:34] Emma Pickett: And when you were pregnant and when you got pregnant, who was your kind of support network?

Who looks after you? When you are, um, in those early stages of pregnancy and, and going through this process, are you close with your parents? Are you close with family? What's your, what is your support network like? 

[00:25:50] Becky: Um, so I, I'm close with my mom, um, although not geographically that close, she's three hours away.

So yeah, my mom was a support and, uh, good friends who are also geographically not close. So actually in Inverness where I live. My support network is not great, and even now with a 2-year-old, it could be better and it's certainly something that's playing into my decision making for having number two.

But yeah, I guess from afar I was looked after very well. But locally, yeah, I still struggle having people I can call on in emergencies if you like. 

[00:26:25] Emma Pickett: Yeah. I mean, that's one of the benefits of living in the 21st century is that someone can be three hours away and still can be very much your emotional support.

Yes. Not like, you know, the 16 hundreds in the Highlands where that would've been. Neighbor. Yeah. That would've been letters over many, many weeks. I want to tell you about my brand new book called The Story of Jesse's Milky. It's a picture book for two to six year olds, and I wanted to write a book that was about weaning, but also not about weaning, because breastfeeding journeys end in all sorts of different ways.

So Jesse's story is presented as having three possible endings. In one ending, his mom is pregnant and Jesse's going to share his milk with a new baby. In the second, his mom was getting really tired and it's time for some mother led weaning. And in the third, we see a self weaning journey as Jesse's attachment to breastfeeding gradually fades.

There are beautiful illustrations by the very talented Jojo Ford, and the feedback from parents so far has been so lovely and touching and I'm really excited to share the book with you. If you're interested in my other books for Older Children, I have the Breast book, which is a guide for nine to 14 year olds.

And it's a puberty book that puts the emphasis on breasts, which I think is very much needed. And I also have two books about supporting breastfeeding beyond six months and supporting the transition from breastfeeding for a 10% discount on the last two. Go to Jessica Kingsley Press. That's uk.jkp.com and use the code MMPE 10 Makes milk picket Emma 10.

Tell us about your pregnancy and your birth and, and early days of breastfeeding strain. Did you know you wanted to breastfeed? What were your feelings around breastfeeding before you had them? 

[00:28:11] Becky: I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but I had no kind of strong goals or wishes or expectations. I was really hoping I could breastfeed, but I was being quite open about it, that if it didn't work, that would be okay.

I had quite a complicated pregnancy. I, um, my water's broke. In, well, I found out my water broke at week 29, but they probably broke several weeks before that. 

[00:28:34] Emma Pickett: Oh God. Okay. I 

[00:28:35] Becky: thought I just developed urinary incontinence suddenly. Um, so I was, uh, yeah, from week 29 I was very closely monitored and off work.

Um, but actually in the end, he didn't come spontaneously as they predicted, and they wanted to induce him at week 36. Um. But I managed to push it to 37 weeks. So he was induced at 37 weeks. And, um, despite an induction, which I didn't agree with, 'cause I thought it would go awfully, he came via vaginal delivery.

So it was all quite positive. I then had a very, uh. Large bleed when he was born, um, and taken to theater and had a general anesthetic that was all quite traumatic and had, uh, I dunno, presumably people go into quite a lot of detail in these podcasts. 

[00:29:26] Emma Pickett: They they certainly do. But you, that doesn't, that doesn't mean you don't, you have to, you don't want to, whatever put out it 

[00:29:31] Becky: was too much.

But essentially, my, my womb wouldn't recontract, so they had to, to like pack it with goals. So for 48 hours I had a womb packed with gauze, which was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. And those 40 hours were definitely worse than the 48 hours of induction and, and labor. And because of the pain I was in, I was on a, on a lot of morphine.

And I, I think now that, and the fact that he was a bit early, really impacted his ability to breastfeed. Um, and actually we didn't have a very easy breastfeeding journey from the beginning. So. Um, he didn't, he just wouldn't latch. Um, the first five days I stayed in hospital, I have to say, I had the most amazing care in hospital and a lot of feeding support, and I basically stayed in for feeding support.

Um, but he wouldn't latch at all. We tried everything. We tried every position, and he would look for the breast and he would put the breast in his mouth, but he just wouldn't latch or suck. 

[00:30:25] Emma Pickett: Okay. 

[00:30:25] Becky: And eventually someone suggested nipple shields, which I used and. That probably saved our journey, and I know they're very controversial, but for us, definitely saved our breastfeeding journey.

I then had a love-hate relationship with him 'cause I, I hated having to use them out and about. I hated carrying them and sterilizing them and all of that. But eventually when he was four months, one day, he just stopped using. Yeah, and we've never used them since. Um, so that was like the beginning of our journey.

But I think he was quite small. He was a bit premature. And I dunno if the trauma from after the delivery affected him or whether it was just that I was on a lot of morphine, which he was getting. I'm not sure if that related or if it was just about stewing, but. 

[00:31:10] Emma Pickett: As you say, it could have been lots of different things.

I mean, little babies sometimes struggle to get breastfeeding off to a good start. Um, Catherine Stagg is great at talking about this, what she calls the great pretenders. The people think, oh, you're term you're 37 weeks, or you're nearly term, you're 36 weeks, you'll be fine. But actually it's the low weight little babies that sometimes do struggle to get off to a good start.

And as you say, maybe he was being affected by drugs as well and, and could be. He was just, and he was a very 

[00:31:35] Becky: sleepy baby for the first month. I had to wake him up constantly to feed him, and he was jaundice as well. So he was, yeah, he was just, I feel like he just wasn't quite ready to be in the world yet.

Yeah. He just wanted to be cozy and sleepy. 

[00:31:49] Emma Pickett: It must have been quite stressful when you were, you know, you knew your waters had broken and other people were telling you that you may be giving birth at, you know, 31 weeks or 32 weeks. That's, that's a scary time. How, how were you able to kind of cope? Were you, were you at home, were you in hospital?

What was happening? 

[00:32:05] Becky: So I was admitted to hospital and then I was actually full, uh, I was transferred to Aberdeen 'cause there was no neonatal beds in Inverness. And thankfully my family was Aunt Aberdeen, so they eventually let me out hospital, but I had to go and stay with my mom, which was probably the best thing actually for everyone.

Um, because then I, I was basically told not to do very much, so I, I just rested there and then around 34 weeks. I felt confident enough to go home. So I came back to Vanessa in 34 weeks and then was monitored here. Yeah, it was a horrendously scary time. It wasn't very pleasant and again, that feeds into my decision about another baby.

'cause I'm very worried that that would happen again. 

Yeah. And the 

impact that would have on Struan, if I had to be that closely monitored, I'm not sure how I'd do that with a toddler. I think the reality is I wouldn't have been able, I wouldn't be able to rest as much, but who knows? So that's one of the questions I need to ask the fertility team as.

How likely is that going to be to happen again? 

[00:33:01] Emma Pickett: Yeah. Yeah. Lots of things to think about. Yeah. I mean, you talked about, you know, obviously staying with your mom and what a gift that was. Did she then come back after Struan was born? What was your early weeks like with support? 

[00:33:14] Becky: So I presume my mom's not gonna listen to this.

Um, I won't tell her I've done this, so I'd in advance, I, he was due in August and I said to her, can you keep all of August free? I need you for August. That's such an example of poor communication. What I meant was, I want you to be around for the first four weeks of his life. I think what my mom heard was he's due in August, so I'll be available for when he's due.

So when he was born, I had the five days in hospital and then came home for two days with my mom there, and then she announced that she was going home. Oh, okay. Communication fail. There was, there was tears. Um, so she stayed for another two days. She asked me what I, what I needed, and I said, well, one of the things I really wanted to be able to do was breastfeed in public.

So in those two. Then the next day she took me to a cafe and I breastfed him in a cafe and she was like, okay, you can do that. And then she left book, 

[00:34:12] Emma Pickett: I'm booking my ticket. Yes. I like, I mean, on one level that says how much faith she had int you, doesn't it? Um, I'm not, I'm not defending her completely. Um, but it does also say, I absolutely believe that Becky can do this.

I, she does not need me. She's, she's, you know, she's gonna get, she's gonna be fine. That's what she's saying on one level. But that's not necessarily how it felt for you. You were feeling a bit, and to 

[00:34:35] Becky: be fair to her, in those five days I'd been in hospital when she'd just been visiting every day, she had completely filled my freezer with food.

Then she did. She left and then she came back two weeks later and she said, you know, she thought it was better that she could go and then come back rather than stay. And actually, once she'd gone and I realized I could do it on my own, it was fine. But it was the, I presumed in my head she was staying for weeks.

So it was really scary when she left. But I had food, which at the beginning I think that was really what I needed, food and otherwise we just spent the days on the sofa with the tv. Yeah. So mostly it was okay. Okay. 

[00:35:10] Emma Pickett: And what will you want next time? If, if there is new baby, what will you ask her her next time?

[00:35:16] Becky: So next time I'll be much clearer with what I need, which is definitely not a strong point with me in terms of communication and certainly not with asking for things. And I think as a solo mom, if anyone's wants to do it, you really have to learn how to ask for help. Yeah. And I have to say, uh, two years down the line, I'm still not good at it and I really struggle.

But next time, if I do it again, I'm definitely gonna need. More help with Struan slash holding a baby so I can be with Struan. 'cause I think that early stage of him adapting to have a new sibling, he's gonna need some one-on-one time with his mama. 

[00:35:52] Emma Pickett: Yeah. Yeah. So I imagine 

[00:35:53] Becky: that's what I'm gonna need is someone to hold a baby while I can be with him and also someone to entertain him and do all the things that a 2-year-old, well probably a 3-year-old then would want to do.

[00:36:04] Emma Pickett: Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm gonna project a little bit here, but I'm, I'm guessing, I mean, you used the word perfect to describe your life not long ago, which is so amazing and wonderful to hear. I'm guessing the idea of bringing in a third person to your family is also a bit scary 'cause you just dunno how the dynamics would change.

You dunno how it would affect him emotionally. You dunno whether you'd have the capacity to care for him right now and the way that you're caring for him. Um, there's sort of amazing opportunity and excitement and growth and the thought of giving him a sibling, but also a bit scary because the two of you are such a, a great little dynamic unit that is absolutely working.

Yeah. How do you make that decision? 

[00:36:45] Becky: It's so hard, and I literally going through this as I speak, 'cause my appointment with the clinic, the fertility clinic is next week. So I, it is really on my mind and I'm struggling with it so much. I really want another baby. When I look at my future, I don't see just me and Stre around the dinner table.

I see someone else, but it just feels like it shouldn't just be me and Streen. He's also only got half side of his family. He doesn't know his biological father. He doesn't have that extended family. So I feel like his family's quite small, and the idea of giving him a full sibling is to me, I think quite important.

Although I am very aware that. You know, siblings don't necessarily get on. But yeah, so for him, I would love to give him a sibling for me. I would love another baby. But yeah, everything will change and the things I'm able to do with him now. I travel a lot by train at the minute. We've been recently down to London on the sleeper.

We do lots of fun adventures and I'm not sure how much of that I'll be able to do with two. So it's a, a decision of whether we can just have a, an amazing little adventurous life, the two of us, or whether we add another little person. I don't know how anyone makes this decision. It's so hard. 

[00:37:55] Emma Pickett: I think you make it bit by bit, don't you?

And you just listen to your gut as you have been. You talked about full sibling. So you'd use the same donor again? Yes. Because I've 

[00:38:04] Becky: already got the embryos made, so they're all, all of course. Sorry. Yeah, Don. 

[00:38:07] Emma Pickett: Yeah, you obviously the same em embryo are already there. Yeah. Um, how did you make decision about the, the donor?

What is that? Was that UK sperm? Was that from Scandinavia? 

[00:38:16] Becky: So I don't know if it came up in your previous conversation, but the reason I know Kat is because Kat and I have used the same donor. 

[00:38:22] Emma Pickett: Ah, I didn't realize that. 

[00:38:23] Becky: Okay. So Kat's little boy Fergus is Struan's half sibling. 

[00:38:26] Emma Pickett: Okay. Wow. So 

[00:38:27] Becky: Struan has half siblings who we're in touch with.

And that's partly why I use the term full sibling. So he does actually have half siblings, but it's not quite the same as having even like a half sibling that grew up in the same house. So I think they've kind of got, we imagine them to have like a cousin kind of relationship. 

[00:38:44] Emma Pickett: Okay. 

[00:38:44] Becky: Um, but the donor, so choosing a donor was bizarre.

I thought I knew what I would want from a. I was gonna say partner, it's not partner, it's someone to reproduce with, um, you know, automatically thinking of things like intelligence and job and, um, but things that, and health. So yeah, they were the things that initially, so like you get a lot of information about family history and any health problems.

So that, those were the kind of things that I thought were important, but actually. As I went through it, I realized that actually jobs and kind of intelligence based personalities wasn't really that important at all. The thing that came out from my donor's profile was the fact that he seemed like a really genuine, kind person who was doing it for.

Seemed like altruistic reasons. I don't think I, I'm aware I can't maybe trust everything that's written on a profile. Um, he wrote a letter to his future, future offspring, and that is exactly what clinched it for me, um, what he wrote in that letter. So he's made it kind of clear that he would like to meet his offspring in the future.

And for me, that was really important that when Strain would have that option. So overall it just came down to this, his kind of kindness. 

[00:39:57] Emma Pickett: Yeah. Well that's lovely. And you listen to your gut again, which is how you're gonna make this next decision for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so obviously his Jordan's getting to the age now where you're starting to talk to him about biological parents and, and, and his situation.

Um. When, when I was chatting to Jenny and Kat, they had quite different approaches, which was really interesting. Um, I'm guessing you are part of that community who, if you, if you know half siblings, you are also having conversations with, with Drew and about how he came into the world. How are you feeling about how that's going?

[00:40:28] Becky: Well, I was given quite a shock recently when, just about the week before he turned two, he asked me is if he has a daddy. 

Oh, okay. And 

I was not expecting it to happen this early, but I think the conversation went okay. So I. It obviously happened at the minute when you were really not expecting it. I was making his cereal in the morning.

He was standing on a step stool in the kitchen and he, uh, he said, baby daddy. Um, and I just knew that's exactly what he was asking me and he's been very obsessed recently with men, which he calls daddies and he quite at nursery, he likes to point out whose daddy is related to which child. And so he, I could see he was processing it a bit.

But when he asked me that, I said, no, Struan doesn't have a dad. Struan's got a mama and a bb, which is his granny and a Jeb, which is his granddad. And then he said, and a cat, and then he totaled off. And that was kind of the end of the conversation. Um, that triggered us to read, read the books I've been reading in books since he was in neutral.

So actually his, he's been hearing this story since he was born. Part of the reason I started so early was just so I could get used to using the words. And so it wasn't awkward for me, but he's always had the stories read to him. I, every so often at bedtime, I just tell him my own version of the story. So we reread the books.

It's not come up again. I dunno when it'll come up again. 

[00:41:53] Emma Pickett: Yeah. When he is ready. Mm-hmm. He'll, he'll keep thinking and, and keep processing. Yeah. Gosh, there's a, there's a lot to think about, isn't there? You've got to, and it, and that consciousness that you have to have as a parent, I'm sure makes you a better parent, a more aware parent, because you have to think these things through.

Um, I'm gonna ask you a cheeky question now. You talked about dating before you got pregnant with Stuart. Yeah. Is that off the cards? Are you not thinking about that right now? Or is that still something that you, do you think about? So I 

[00:42:19] Becky: am actually on a dating app. Because every so often I think, oh, maybe it would be nice to meet, meet someone.

But then the reality comes that I actually just don't know how on earth I would fit it in. So, and I've not had any suc success anyway, but I, yeah, I think if it happened, it would be nice. But I, day to day, it's not something I think about. I don't have time and it's something that I hope will happen in future, but, um.

Yeah, I mean, I don't have time to do anything for myself that minute. So adding a whole other person in would just be too complicated. 

[00:42:54] Emma Pickett: Yeah. You're a spring chicken Becky. You've got many, many, many years of, um, of fitting other relationships and that's still a spring chicken, I can say that. 'cause I'm so much older than you.

Um, yeah. You've got that life that out there if that's what you want to do. Okay. So I'm really honored to have heard you share your story today and, and. It's also lovely to hear where you are with the breastfeeding. It's working for you. You, you day weaned when it worked for you. You've carried on breastfeeding when it's worked for you.

You are really good at knowing what you need and have every faith that the next stage of your parenting, you'll continue to listen to those gut feelings and those instincts. So if someone's listening to this and they are thinking about a solo motherhood journey, maybe they had a first child with a partner and now they want a second child, and they might, may go forward as a solo mother.

What kind of messages would you want them to know? What would you want 'em to be thinking about? 

[00:43:47] Becky: Well, I think it probably just follows on from what you've just said, like follow your gut if you should. If you know deep inside that's what you want and you yourself know if you can do it, then, then do it. I would also say if you want advice on whether you can do it, don't ask your friends who are in couples.

I find that people in couples just don't really maybe grasp what. It can be done on your own. And I think that's them not giving themselves enough credit for what they do as mothers. Um, I think mothers in general do so much, but I find that if, when I ask my solo moms for advice about a second, I get a completely different answer to my coupled mom.

So go and find a solo mom community online and ask them, and ask them advice. That would be my practical point. But follow your gut. 

[00:44:35] Emma Pickett: Yep. Yep. Good advice. Um, we've got lots of recommendations for resources from Jenny and Kat. Is it, what are your favorite resources or, or favorite support 

[00:44:44] Becky: as the Time's gone on?

I actually was treated a little bit from some of the spaces, not because I, just, because I feel like I don't need it so much now, but the Solo Mothers By Choice UK Facebook Group is probably the one I would recommend. 

[00:44:58] Emma Pickett: Okay. 

[00:44:59] Becky: Uh, there's lots of local WhatsApp groups. And they're useful for meeting local people.

And I have that so that my son can meet other children that have solo moms. 

[00:45:10] Emma Pickett: Yep. That Scott, the Scottish Network sounds amazing. Yeah, your little local WhatsApp group sounds fantastic. Um, I'm so glad that that's part of your life and what a lucky little bloke Stre is. Um, thank you. It sounds like Yeah.

Sounds like you're in a really good place. Um, is there anything we haven't talked about that you want to make sure we mention anything we haven't said? 

[00:45:29] Becky: Uh, well, no, but I was just gonna say thank you for, um, letting me be part of the, the weaning group, because that was really invaluable. So anyone who's listening, who's thinking about it, if you get a chance to do it, then, then do it.

Uh, just for general knowledge and probably getting to know your own journey really properly and tips. So when I do decide to wean, if he doesn't wean himself, I now have lots of resources, um, and a WhatsApp group as well, to ask my other. Colleagues who did the group together. Um, 

[00:46:00] Emma Pickett: a lot of, we say colleagues.

You are colleagues thinking what, what do I call them? Friends, virtual friends? Yes. Who knows? They are virtual friends for sure. Okay, thank you. Yeah, so I've just started one, um, that will take me up probably until nearer to Christmas, and I'll probably start another on January. So what I do is I, I advertise on Instagram when the groups are open.

But yeah, I do obviously do other kinds of support as well. But yeah, thank you for mentioning that. Well, I always love to talk to you today and, uh, yeah, I'm, I'm here if you have any questions about your next stages and, uh, and yeah, good luck. Thank you so much.

Thank you for joining me today. You can find me on Instagram at Emma Pickett Ibclc and on Twitter at Makes milk. It would be lovely if you subscribed because that helps other people to know I exist and leaving a review would be great as well. Get in touch if you would like to join me to share your feeding or weaning journey, or if you have any ideas for topics to include in the podcast.

This podcast is produced by the lovely Emily Crosby Media.